Ripples in the Pond

If there's one thing I have learned this year, it's how important it is to build positive relationships.  Even more important is to keep positive people close and negative people at a distance.  Words are powerful things.

It's nearly impossible to keep negative statements and negative attitudes from sticking in our mind somehow.  Even if you know they are not right, you exert a certain amount of energy on the negativity.  I generally don't shy away from people and have always been quite tolerant of people who could be difficult to deal with.  Those relationships are not positive.  They drain energy.  Stay in that place and it will feel like a whirlpool - churning and churning in a circle that goes nowhere.

Get around positive people with positive attitudes and the energy grows - yours, theirs and a new collective energy.  Positive people overcome challenges, create a shared vision, and get things done.  They possess qualities of thankfulness, recognition of the contributions of others, clarity of purpose.  When they throw a stone in the pond, the ripples never stop doing more good.  

The most important thing positive people demonstrate is the understanding and the skills required to build and maintain healthy relationships.  When they walk in a room, people take notice and want to be near them.  They lift the mood.  That's who I want to be and who I want to be around.   

What is Progressive?

Last weekend was the first PA Progressive Summit in Harrisburg.  More than 500 people gathered from varied perspectives to talk about how to better solve serious issues.  It was an amazing mix - labor, education, women's rights, LGBT rights, environmentalists, interfaith community... all feeling we shared much common ground in our desire to make our communities better.

What I love about the experience is that the focus was solutions.  While the issues and stumbling blocks were discussed, there was an overwhelming sense of focus on overcoming the issues and removing roadblocks.  There was no name calling or character assassination regarding those on opposing sides.  There was no talk of protests and attack strategies.

We talked about building bridges, communicating more effectively, building strong social relationships, and supporting those in our communities with similar vision.  I also heard great wisdom about dealing with those who may seem to oppose the issues we may raise.  It was very much an overall message of lifting one another up and lifting our communities - finding common ground through which we can make progress.

It was wonderful to see people I crossed paths with before - from Harrisburg, DC and in other gatherings.  I walked away feeling great about a growing network across the state and feeling great about the positive people I've grown to admire in Venango County.

In my mind, being progressive means working for solutions.  It's about seeing things that need done and finding ways to do them.  

From freedictionary.com

1. Moving forward; advancing.

2. Proceeding in steps; continuing steadily by increments: progressive change.

3. Promoting or favoring progress toward better conditions or new policies, ideas, or methods

Check out details at http://paprogressivesummit.org/

Onward and Upward

Life is all about learning and growing.  That usually means pushing beyond what is known and comfortable.  I've learned the most when there was great conflict involved.  And the greatest joys have been when conflicts were overcome.  

I am solution oriented and find it very frustrating when I'm confronted with people who are battle oriented.  The battle seems more important to them than any ideal to work toward.  They thrive on the fight.  

I've not been good about seeing these people coming before becoming embroiled in conflict.  I've been thinking a lot about the signs and about the things in me that leads me down these paths.

Battle people hold onto a lot of hurt - every insult, every wrong, all the ways other people have not measured up.  That's a huge sign.  

The message for me is that I don't want to be a battle person.  I need to be less focused on hurt and more focused on positive things.  It's no fun living life angry.  Focusing on the anger just makes every insult - every wrong - loom larger than it probably really needs to be.

There are many conflicts in life - many things to do to make our world a lot better.  I want to be about solutions - Onward and Upward!

An Eclectic Mix

In one of my media classes years ago, our professor asked what magazines, if any, we subscribed to at the time.  As I recall mine were MS Magazine, Mother Earth News, Business Week, Newsweek and Reader's Digest.  He was humored by the eclectic mix.

I have always been rather eclectic.  I'm curious about people - why they believe and do the things they do.  That is probably why communications has been the right field for me.  The study of interpersonal communications, intercultural communications, and mass media is so very interesting to me.  Pay attention and it removes your egocentric perspective.  You have to try to step into the other person's shoes.

Why is it that what I said isn't what you heard?  Why is your belief system different than mine?  How do we move an audience to a conclusion of some thought or action?

As a corporate media producer for a global company I have to apply these things to everything I do.  One day I may be working with the President's message to employees, and the next it may be a video explaining how to use a remote control for machines.

On a personal level, I enjoy that same diversity.  I like being around people who are doing all kinds of things and who hold all kinds of beliefs.  Of course, I am most drawn to those who share common values of community.  But I don't fear people who think differently and walk a different path.  Unless it is overtly destructive, I am curious and often entertained to learn more.  

My measure of how close I want to be to those who are different is how much they laugh.  Where there is joy, there is something to be learned of greater personal value.  

Coming Out

As a 52 year old activist for GLBT rights, I am sometimes asked what it is I am fighting for and why.  I ask myself that question quite often - especially when it seems the very people who would seem to be allies - should be allies - are so petty and dysfunctional.

As I search my source of motivation, I return to my coming out days.  At 18, much to my surprise, I fell in love with a woman.  I hid it from my friends and family.  I struggled to make sense of it.  I felt guilt and fear based on all that I had been taught.  I rejected the notion that I could be a lesbian.  My religious and cultural upbringing was in total conflict with my loving another woman.  

When that relationship ended, I was devastated.  I had no one to talk with about it.  She was the only one who knew.  She was gone.  

I tried everything I could think of to get over it - to excuse it away.  I immersed myself in "Campus Crusade for Christ".  I dated a nice man who asked me to marry him.  But nothing worked to change what I knew.  It did not fit for me.  I could not be in that world any longer.  I thought I could not be in the world any longer.  I felt as though this one relationship was so isolated and so unique that I was forever an outsider the world around me.  

A year later, the loneliness and isolation was overwhelming.  In the depths of my anguish, two Nuns addressed my religious issues.  And a friend put me in touch with a community of older Lesbians who had built a community and lived rather openly.  

That is why I speak out now.  That is what I am fighting for - that person - 18, 30, 40, or older - who has discovered they love someone of the same sex and is struggling to make sense of it.  The person who feels they are in the wrong body somehow.

Our hearts do not know gender.  Love is not a gender.  

I am so lucky that I learned I was a lesbian when I was just 18.  As I meet GLBT people who have learned this in later years, I realize that the older you are, the more baggage there is to overcome.  Children, jobs, older parents, spouses, community ties, all become major hurdles.  I have heard these stories over and over again with gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender people who have come out in later years.  Some have lost their jobs.  Some have lost family relationships.  It has caused divorces.  It has resulted in community scrutiny.  

I am fighting to provide a sense of community for those who struggle with these issues.  I am fighting to help to educate the world that understands love knows no gender.  Love is what it is.  I am fighting for love because I love.

Stepping outside your zone

One of my favorite college courses was Intercultural Communications.  It forced me to step outside my comfort zone and examine my own biases.  

One particular assignment has stuck with me.  We were asked to select a culture that we felt we did not like and study it.  At the ripe old age of 25, I was a non-traditional student - had served in the Air Force - lived in different cultures.  I thought I was pretty sophisticated.  It was a bit shocking to have to admit that I did not like a whole culture.  I grew up under the influence of WWII Veterans.  The Vietnam War raged before my eyes.  My intercultural experiences were not so broad - Greenland and Spain.  To put it delicately, I had no appreciation of Asian Culture.  So, I chose to study Japan.

While I still have not traveled to an Asian country, that single assignment was life altering.  I gained a sense of continuity, ancestry, and personal spiritual growth.  Most important, I have carried a belief that there are wonderful things to be gained from really examining how someone different travels this earth.  There are many paths.  We can all benefit from exploration.  

Expectations

What often gets us in trouble in life is expectations.  Our employer has certain expectations - fail them - we are out of a job.  Society has expectations - many of which are legislated - break them and there are consequences.  Families and friends have expectations.  Break them and conflicts ensue.

Our struggle is in determining if the expectations are reasonable and rational.  I love my job.  I am salaried which comes with an expectation that I will do whatever is needed when it is needed to be done.  To some, what I do to meet that expectation may seem unreasonable and irrational.  But I feel I am getting the return on that investment that is very reasonable.  As long as the company's expectations and mine are met, we have a happy union.

Personal relationships are the same.  Are the expectations reasonable and rational?  Is the return on investment positive on both sides?  When it is not, the relationship unravels.  

I notice with myself that I come unglued when I have expectations that are not being met.  Are my expectations realistic, reasonable and rational?  Does the other person know what I am expecting in return for my investment?  It's a two party contract.  Both parties need to know the parameters.  It's only going to work well if expectations match.  When they do, there is great joy.  It's a happy union.  

It can take serious work to get to that place.  I have had struggles with my job.  There have been times that I felt the balance was not good and even wanted to walk away.  I am very thankful that I did not!  

The successful personal relationships are the same.  We work through those expectations.  We find the space where we can find the greatest joy.  These are happy unions.  It is worth the struggle to find that joy.