What you think I said....

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant".

The greatest challenge in relationships of any kind is communication. I believe the reason we can have great difficulties with those closest to us is that we believe we know what they think and what they mean. There is at least a 50/50 chance we are wrong.
I wish I would take the time to ask more before I leap to conclusions and I sure wish people I care about would do the same. It sure is nice to have people close to me who are willing and able to ask. And even nicer when they actually believe me when I say "I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant".

What's it like to be you?

I love the TV segment, often on "Sunday Morning", where the guy throws a dart at a map, goes to the town, then picks a name randomly out of the phone book - that person is interviewed. His premise is that everybody has a story to tell.
As I get to know new people, I have become more and more focused on the question - "What's it like to be you?" What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What makes you angry? How have you arrived at your attitudes and beliefs? What do we have in common? What makes us different?
Everybody does have a story to tell. And maybe if we take a moment to see people - hear people - in a more curious and less judgemental way, we can learn something.

Are you busy enough?

In the last year or so I've gotten out a lot. Concerts, fundraisers, Chamber Mixers, artist events, plays, ground breaking ceremonies, social time with friends.... And I keep seeing the same faces over and over again. They are the ones making things happen. Talk with them and they quickly tell about something positive they are working on.
What they don't do, is talk about other people and boo hoo about life. They don't gossip. They don't talk about things that really are not your business and they don't talk about things that are none of theirs.
I'm certain they have struggles in their lives. I'm certain they have opinions. But their focus is larger than the average. They see a larger community. Their goal is harmony and building toward a greater good. That is what they are busy about.
I'm finally learning that those who are busy about other people's specific lives simply are not busy enough doing anything positive in their own. I listen more carefully these days. If the talk is about what individuals should or shouldn't be doing in their lives - and it really is just personal BS, I don't want to be around them.
I want to be around those focused on building something, not gossip mongering.

Ripples in the Pond

If there's one thing I have learned this year, it's how important it is to build positive relationships.  Even more important is to keep positive people close and negative people at a distance.  Words are powerful things.

It's nearly impossible to keep negative statements and negative attitudes from sticking in our mind somehow.  Even if you know they are not right, you exert a certain amount of energy on the negativity.  I generally don't shy away from people and have always been quite tolerant of people who could be difficult to deal with.  Those relationships are not positive.  They drain energy.  Stay in that place and it will feel like a whirlpool - churning and churning in a circle that goes nowhere.

Get around positive people with positive attitudes and the energy grows - yours, theirs and a new collective energy.  Positive people overcome challenges, create a shared vision, and get things done.  They possess qualities of thankfulness, recognition of the contributions of others, clarity of purpose.  When they throw a stone in the pond, the ripples never stop doing more good.  

The most important thing positive people demonstrate is the understanding and the skills required to build and maintain healthy relationships.  When they walk in a room, people take notice and want to be near them.  They lift the mood.  That's who I want to be and who I want to be around.   

What is Progressive?

Last weekend was the first PA Progressive Summit in Harrisburg.  More than 500 people gathered from varied perspectives to talk about how to better solve serious issues.  It was an amazing mix - labor, education, women's rights, LGBT rights, environmentalists, interfaith community... all feeling we shared much common ground in our desire to make our communities better.

What I love about the experience is that the focus was solutions.  While the issues and stumbling blocks were discussed, there was an overwhelming sense of focus on overcoming the issues and removing roadblocks.  There was no name calling or character assassination regarding those on opposing sides.  There was no talk of protests and attack strategies.

We talked about building bridges, communicating more effectively, building strong social relationships, and supporting those in our communities with similar vision.  I also heard great wisdom about dealing with those who may seem to oppose the issues we may raise.  It was very much an overall message of lifting one another up and lifting our communities - finding common ground through which we can make progress.

It was wonderful to see people I crossed paths with before - from Harrisburg, DC and in other gatherings.  I walked away feeling great about a growing network across the state and feeling great about the positive people I've grown to admire in Venango County.

In my mind, being progressive means working for solutions.  It's about seeing things that need done and finding ways to do them.  

From freedictionary.com

1. Moving forward; advancing.

2. Proceeding in steps; continuing steadily by increments: progressive change.

3. Promoting or favoring progress toward better conditions or new policies, ideas, or methods

Check out details at http://paprogressivesummit.org/

Onward and Upward

Life is all about learning and growing.  That usually means pushing beyond what is known and comfortable.  I've learned the most when there was great conflict involved.  And the greatest joys have been when conflicts were overcome.  

I am solution oriented and find it very frustrating when I'm confronted with people who are battle oriented.  The battle seems more important to them than any ideal to work toward.  They thrive on the fight.  

I've not been good about seeing these people coming before becoming embroiled in conflict.  I've been thinking a lot about the signs and about the things in me that leads me down these paths.

Battle people hold onto a lot of hurt - every insult, every wrong, all the ways other people have not measured up.  That's a huge sign.  

The message for me is that I don't want to be a battle person.  I need to be less focused on hurt and more focused on positive things.  It's no fun living life angry.  Focusing on the anger just makes every insult - every wrong - loom larger than it probably really needs to be.

There are many conflicts in life - many things to do to make our world a lot better.  I want to be about solutions - Onward and Upward!

An Eclectic Mix

In one of my media classes years ago, our professor asked what magazines, if any, we subscribed to at the time.  As I recall mine were MS Magazine, Mother Earth News, Business Week, Newsweek and Reader's Digest.  He was humored by the eclectic mix.

I have always been rather eclectic.  I'm curious about people - why they believe and do the things they do.  That is probably why communications has been the right field for me.  The study of interpersonal communications, intercultural communications, and mass media is so very interesting to me.  Pay attention and it removes your egocentric perspective.  You have to try to step into the other person's shoes.

Why is it that what I said isn't what you heard?  Why is your belief system different than mine?  How do we move an audience to a conclusion of some thought or action?

As a corporate media producer for a global company I have to apply these things to everything I do.  One day I may be working with the President's message to employees, and the next it may be a video explaining how to use a remote control for machines.

On a personal level, I enjoy that same diversity.  I like being around people who are doing all kinds of things and who hold all kinds of beliefs.  Of course, I am most drawn to those who share common values of community.  But I don't fear people who think differently and walk a different path.  Unless it is overtly destructive, I am curious and often entertained to learn more.  

My measure of how close I want to be to those who are different is how much they laugh.  Where there is joy, there is something to be learned of greater personal value.