"We don't know what we don't know."

This has probably floated around in my subconscious many, many years. Maybe it floated to my conscious at other times but it has now zoomed forefront to become a NOW mantra. We have all heard that we need to listen more but there is something else I'm questioning. How do we open our hearts, minds and ears to move from not knowing to knowing because we don't know to know we should? Maybe we should just know. Know that we should, I mean.

It might be, as my sister Laurie says, "A Buddhao-Christian" thing. She didn't tell me how to spell it.

How do we listen and not know what we are listening for? Scripture says to be still. Buddha says to be still. And many other teachings have said the same.

These past few years have set us all off balance in varied ways - often imposing stillness on us when we have been unprepared. We are forced to discover a new normal - Ours and learning everyone elses while we are not necessarily aware of their similar challenges. In some cases we don't share the same amount of time - personally, professionally, socially, community, leisure time, fun stuff - that we could before.

Relationships are new - even ones we have had a long time. We cope differently and see different things in one another. We have fresh eyes. We did not know, what we did not know. And we still do not know what we do not know.

For me, it is very spiritual but everything in life is spiritual. It's all connected as I am to you and you to me. 

The Oddness of Time

 It's that time of year again when we change our clocks and get all discombobulated. Some of us will have a very difficult time adjusting and miss things for a few days not knowing what time it really may be. Some clocks in our house may be off and some not.

The odd part is, the time really has not changed. It is our reference to it that has changed. 

Our reference to time can be messed up in many ways. And the last few years have forced a lot of that on the entire world keeping us off balance. The 2020 shutdowns, remote working, kids remote learning and quarantines shook our time references. Days could easily run together without markers to help distinguish the passage of time. 2021 has been difficult as well as we tried to return to "normalcy" and rediscover our routines.

Changing jobs, changing shifts, retiring, going on vacation, and sickness can jar us in much the same way. Having visitors, people staying in our home, new neighbors and even just a rain or snow day rock routines a bit.

So as we change clock time again, be easy on one another about the adjustment. This year might be a little harder for some. Shine some light!

Where is Captain Kirk tonight?

 Like millions of other people around the world - and espectially in the US - I watched Captain Kirt go to outer space today! I was so excited. Young whipper snappers might not understand the excitement. So I should explain.

When TV was young - back in my childhood and younger days - we would make TV watching an event. We did not have a TV until I was in second grade. My Aunt and Uncle had one first. We went to their house to all watch Arther Godfrey together. Once we may have watched the Honeymooners but my parents did not approve of the fighting so it was Arther Godfrey. The adults never fought in front of the kids so we didn't see that kind of thing. Maybe they had arguments but the first 8 years of my life, I didn't experience adults saying any harsh words to each other. So, they were pretty picky about what we saw on this new gadget. But that is another story.

When Star Trek came out some years later, it was on the weekly watch list. We all gathered as a family to watch it together. There were other shows too, but today is memory lane for this one. We all loved it and didn't miss an episode. Kids on the floor, couch full - we loved every moment.

Captain Kirk was a particular favorite character for my Dad. We each had a favorite. I liked the women characters, of course but thought Spock was very cool. I too think the world is very illogical. 

So this is not the first time I saw Captain Kirk in space. How fun it was to watch! I know many of my friends and family share similar memories so this was a fun way to start and end this day. Now - Beam me up Scotty!

The Farm at Fertigs

There was a farm that was a large part of my childhood. To get there we would go to Fertigs PA, make a right on the dirt road, then when we came to the end of that, turn left onto the bumpy road that went between the two pastures,  passed the big evergreen trees and onto the farm house and buildings. 

It was a place with plenty of magic. There was a big bull in one of the pastures that we had to stay away from. On the other side of the evergreens, was the pond where grandpa kept goldfish that grew very large. The bee hives hereby provided that sweet nectar. We would often find a honey comb laying in middle of the table on a plate when we walked in the door. 

Upstairs in the two story garage was an incubator. In the spring grandma hatched peeps. It was exciting to begin to see the little peeps peck their way out of the eggs. I would want to help them. Grandma cautioned me that they needed to build strength in their necks so they could survive. Soon little fluffy yellow birds would be scampering about.

Beside the big red barn was a pigpen. I loved helping grandpa: hey soo eee sooo EEE. I was tempted to climb the fence so I could see over it. Grandpa would scold me. "if you fall in there they'll just eat you" They were big pigs and they got excited. I love it when they had little ones.

Rhubarb grew wild beside the barn. There was nothing better than grandmas rhubarb pie. It was a sweet tart and I suspect she used honey for sweetening. A piece of rhubarb pie might greet us in the kitchen. What we were most likely to smell was sassafras tea boiling on the stove. A cup of that with the honey was a treat.

Grandma would be wearing her apron with the pockets in the front. As we came in she would wipe her hands on it and take it off to give us a big hug. Her arms wrapped around us and gathered us in, surrounding us like a blanket. Her voice was full of joy and laughter. We knew she loved us big!

Then she might show us the latest pile of red rugs she made. Grandma ways a weaver and she had two beautiful looms. She took old fabric (rags) and cut them into strips tied together and put across to weave them on the Loom.  The looms had white thread only because grandpa restricted her to white and no colors. He had a lot of restrictions that we didn't know about.

Grandma did not cut her hair. She kept it in a braid wrapped tightly on her head. You would never guess that when she let it down, it reached her knees. When I stayed, we shared her nightly ritual of brushing 100 strokes.

I miss grandma so very much! These memories are precious and I do know she is watching. Maybe memories are the way she talks to me. Thank you Grandma!

Candles in the Darkness

March 2021 could be marked as a beginning, an end, a beginning of an end or the end of the previous beginning. This is not the first moment or season in my life that was life changing; even shattering. There was the one early in my life when I lost the one most dear through the untimely death of my mother. Most children have not lost a pet at that age. That single moment in 1966 caused my young mind to question everything and, these decades later, I still do. Now at this end of my life, this year's events measure similarly heavy.

This month is an awakening from that growing darkness that encapsulated my life. These 8 months have shaken me in much the same way that my 8 year old self experienced. It has been painful, but markedly different, in that loosing my mother was a quick blow that left an indescribable emptiness that has no end. This new experience has been progressive and by March 2021, I was trapped in a body that did not serve me. Surely because this is  year 2 of Covid, many will wonder if it is related - either to the disease or the vaccine. It is not. 

I could not find a name for it and neither could those who tried to help. We/I latched onto one, then another and then something else until finally late May landed me in the hospital barely able to move. It made no sense to me. A little rest and I would soon be better. Could it relate to the Shingles bout the previous year? It felt like a slow drawn out torture. Weeks, months, a year and no way to explain it to myself, let alone to others but some followed me down each odd rabbit hole. A little army of warriors surrounded me - many unexpected and new. A few found it too painful to travel with me. 

Warriors!! In those dark endless days, prayer warriors were doing what they do and I had no idea the depths of it. Across the country - around the region - differing faiths - different languages - I was never alone even when I thought I would be. It felt endless but actually I can now see I am so very blessed.

In the fall, we thought lyme disease. Multiple tests - marginal but NO. Then January - some fluish/covid virus? No. Tests and first specialist - auto immune but not definitive. April - weaker and weaker but tests not indicating a serious track of follow up was urgent. Meanwhile, just a bit of activity and I was done. I could cook a meal or take a shower. I crawled up the stairs to get to bed if I didn't sleep on the couch.

By the end of May, I had a full body rash and landed in the hospital. That began the rapid succession of miracles of the sort that this blog often allowed me to share. But this is the biggest or certainly one of them. I will list them quickly including where we are now - emerging from darkness.

My hospitalist at UPMC NW was my doctor for 20 years until I retired and have appreciated VA health care. She knew me well and had no doubt something big was happening, even if the tests were not conclusive. She dug deeper and reached farther for answers. Finally, connected with a Pittsburgh dermatologist who is called by many hospitals to help with "difficult cases", the answer came after a biopsy, detailed special tests, collecting it all and a small team putting heads together. A rare 10 in 1 million auto immune disease called Dermatomyositis. Often misdiagnosed AS lupus, it's challenging to correctly pinpoint and address. Not curable but treatable. Most people have to wait years or decades before they find the answer so I am a very lucky one!!! I should be able to do many of things I love as I work with my team and do all that I can.

Except for my specialist team, local seasoned medical people say they never heard of it or never saw it. The rheumatologist said the test results showed something but the test levels did not match the very real symptoms that could only be measured with examination. No wonder no alarm bells went off with those who don't know me.

It's August!! I missed the summer camping and outdoor times I love. My circle of friends (at least in person) has been tight. Survival mode trims things down. But I am celebrating. It takes more time but I can write again. I can think. I can do more in a day than I could do in weeks. I'm looking around with great gratitude!!!! Love is pouring out in all directions. I am on my way back and getting out and about has been amazing.

Be warned I could now talk your ears off in excitement. If there is something you want to say, raise your hand and get my focus. Watch out for my humor. I have found ME - a me lost and found over many decades. Forgotten treasures and truths are here again. I am collecting those wonderful things. Like someone raised from the dead, my patience is only thin for wasted time. I lost too much of that and won't be quick to let it happen yet another time. My Mommy has had many talks with me about that this year and she isn't ready to have me join her just yet. Happy she comes to me in my dreams. 

A long ago recording - A few missed notes and switched words but hope the story resonates. I have practiced it a few more times over the years. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAf9WjVbz_U

Hope is Here!

 The hope for recovery is here!

As a business owner, 2020 was rough. The 4th quarter was inspiring. Dozens of customers expressed the desire to shop local as a mission. It was huge! After enduring months of lack luster sales, we ended the year with a record setting month. But our first quarter is a reminder that we're not through the affects of the pandemic yet. Our economy is not yet roaring back.

Hope for recovery is here!

Before the pandemic, Porch Music Store was a place that drew hundreds of people every week. Musicians, students, parents, siblings and friends lingered. That all came to a halt. We were forced to slow traffic and discourage lingering. Our culture changed in an instant. It's felt like we were only half open. And our bottom line reflects that.

Our number one issue has been the impact of the pandemic. We've had staff and students/families forced to quarantine either due to contracting COVID or being directly exposed. One parent died. Safety of everyone walking through our doors became a top concern. Our mission for the music store took second place. It meant staggered starting and stopping. Our bottom line reflects that.

Hope for recovery is here!

We're excited about the rapid roll out of the vaccine. Several of us are already vaccinated. Now we know anyone who wants a vaccination can soon get one too. We can hope to gather with less risk very soon.

Porch Music Store is moving to a new, bigger space. It is a breath of fresh air. (pun intended) There will be room to spread out and comfortably, safely welcome friends - old and new. We need to get back to being fully open. We all need to feel safe in doing that. 

Hope for recovery is here!

Traditionally, the second quarter is better for us. As income tax refunds come, folks have a few extra dollars to spend and musicians dream of something new. Now, with stimulus payments, we can expect those to trickle down to us or rather UP to us. We don't get many millionaires in the store. Our customers are regular working class like us who have likely been reluctant to spend on luxury items. With income tax refunds AND a stimulus check, we can all think about buying something special right now.

We've longed for a sense of normalcy. We're ready to celebrate. This will be the summer of JOY. Hope is here!

Stop the Steal

 Watching this last election, especially in the last year, has been mind bending. Watching after the election was even more mind bending. As court after court threw out election challenges - 60 - SIXTY - at state level, state supreme court level and US Supreme court level, it seemed obvious to a reasonable person that there was insufficient evidence to conclude election fraud.

But Trump supporters couldn't let the idea go. "Stop the Steal" took root and it was dug in deep. Around town you could see it with Trump signs and some have not gone away. Trump supporters I know were posting on social media with expectation that something big was going to change it all. As the court cases fell, one by one, by dozens, the desperation grew. I saw romanticized Revolutionary War images and Mel Gibson as the Patriot. Threads assured commiserators that something big was going to set things right. "Time to fix bayonets" appeared on one page.

On January 6th at the start of the insurrection, I checked one persons page. "It's Happening!" she posted gleefully. Others chimed in with similar excitement.

That day I watched in horror but I was not surprised. There has grown a blood thirst with this right wing movement. We saw it in our own town when a peaceful group met to support Black Lives Matter and a dozen or so AR15 guys showed up, supposedly to protect our city monuments. My only surprise from January 6th is that I didn't know someone who was part of the insurrection. 

Anyone who tries to tell me that insurrection was Antifa not Trump supporters, needs to explain what all the Revolutionary War posts are all about. Why were so many QAnon, Proud Boy and Oath Keeper members identified and arrested?

And the biggest question of all - If the insurrection was successful, what would the country look like after that? Would there be elections? Would those elections automatically eliminate votes from certain parts of the country? If all the elected officials were killed that they wanted killed, then what? No repercussions? We just kill people we don't agree with?

We do need to "Stop the Steal". We need to stop the steal of reason and rational thinking. We need to stop the steal of our civility. We need to stop the steal of our morality. 

I've watched people I know say on one hand that something is a hoax and then say it was cooked up in a lab and intentionally spread. Others have irrationally grown focused on human trafficking. Another believes the Kent State massacre is proof that we need AR15's. It's simply mind bending. I've had a nurse argue that we should not wear masks because they do nothing to help.

We do need to "Stop the Steal". We need to stop the steal of reason and rational thinking.