Total despair, hopelessness and the deep belief that there is no end to the misery are not foreign feelings to me. There can be a moment in time when there seems to be no better day ahead. I have been there. I have been there more than once.
Some may say it's selfish to think of ending your own life but in that moment it truly feels as if it will matter to no one. The pain feels so great and the troubles so large that talking about it to anyone - reaching out to anyone - will only be a burden to them. Why burden anyone else? I recall thinking that it was my problem - my decisions - my consequences - and no one else could offer a solution if I couldn't find a solution myself. My fight was over and I was ok with that. There was no where to go. I just wanted this life to be over. I wanted peace.
As I wrestled in the turmoil of it, I typed something in a Google search. I can't remember what I typed but I landed on some page on a website in the UK or so it seems in my memory. I could never find it again. Basically, it said - "Ok, so you have decided to take your own life. Please read on before you do. We are not going to talk you out of it. We just want you to consider...."
Then I recall reading pages and pages of things to consider. In the pages that followed were many practical things but also often a reminder that, "if you wait a day or so, you can still...but please read on...."
Of course, I waited a day or so. I discovered that inner strength to move to better days. But in that moment, it could have ended. It wasn't about selfishness or selflessness. It was about being done. I was done with life as it was and believed that there would be no end until it was ended.
It was about cycles and circles that seem to repeat and have no hope of changing. But somewhere on that remote website far away, something suggested that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could change that cycle. If I took a day to think about it, maybe an answer would reveal itself. And in the days that followed, hope and answers followed as well. Now years have passed. And I treasure these years as the best of all. That night years ago, I could not have imagined these days. How could I imagine? And I now see these days in a different light. They may have never happened - if not for an odd website on a fateful night - just one more day....
Give it another day. Believe that you can find a way. Today is not an end, if you make it a beginning.