On a number of occasions I have felt the call to write to one reader. To say - if you are seeking an answer to your question here - you already know the answer. Your instincts are correct. Trust yourself.
Long ago a friend told me 'If someone asks you a personal question, they probably already know the answer.' I believe she was right.
Next I would tell you as I did a few young people recently 'We always have choices. We may not like them. But we always have choices'.
Often we feel trapped. Sometimes ashamed that we believed in something that we should not have believed in. That is the course of life. Good people - optimistic people - are deceived. It has happened to many good people.
I can testify that even better people stand on the other side. Be true to yourself. Be true to your values. If you hang onto to those, there will be sweet answers to your challenges. A year from now you will be amazed. Don't stay in a swamp. You deserve better!